One Year Ago Today

I wasn’t sure what today would be like when I woke up this morning. It’s exactly one year ago today that our friend, Paul Moshimer, died.  I stopped at the grocery store on my way up to Blue Star, just as I did on this day last year, and bought food that I thought Pam might eat, knowing that eating is not at all what one feels like doing when something like this happens. Still, eating is important.  Today, I picked out what I know she enjoys, and drove up to Blue Star, not having any idea what to expect but certain that I needed to be there.

A small group of us gathered under the big tree, next to Paul’s shrine.  There were a few really close, long-time friends and a few newer ones.  We sat on a blanket and had a picnic, and I thought about how brave my friend Pam is, and how amazing it is that she and the farm are still blooming and growing after this long, difficult year.

Suddenly, Frida, Pam’s German Shepard, found something in the grass. A baby bird had fallen from a nest in Paul’s big tree. Luckily, Suzanne, who is very skilled at saving wild animals, scooped up the tiny creature. We pulled the old pickup truck right below the nest, and Pam climbed on its roof. She reached the branch where the nest was and gently placed the little baby back with the others.   I looked up and realized that I could see at least four other nests in the enormous branches of the tree.  Life goes on. 

I have felt many things since Paul died.  Some were very painful, others were strong and beautiful.  And I have witnessed that when your heart breaks open, it can offer you a greater capacity to love. Pam and the horses show me how each time I am with them.